


Detergent

by BloodySimpsonChibi



Category: Bleach
Genre: Crack, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2021-01-16 19:15:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21276311
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BloodySimpsonChibi/pseuds/BloodySimpsonChibi
Summary: The anime is over and it will be a thousand year blood war before the last arc is animated so in the meantime let's enjoy some pure 100% authentic Bleach crack!





	1. Opposite Day

It was a fairly normal day in the Soul Society and deep inside the labs of Squad 12, Mayuri was putting the finishing touches on his latest creation.

'Nemu. Come over here at once." He demanded his lieutenant who entered the room quickly. "What is it Captain Mayuri?" 

Mayuri proudly held up a flask of purple gas. "Since our last encounter with the Arrancar, I have been busy developing a new tool for warfare. This gas, when exposed to a human, soul reaper, quincy or what-have-you, will seep into their skin, travel toward the nervous system and reconfigure the brain to react to outside stimuli in the opposite manner from which it would normally react."

Nemu said nothing and instead just blinked.

"It changes people's personalities." Mayuri simplified with attitude. "Are all 2,500 cameras we having recording the Seireitei up and running?"

"Yes Captain." Nemu assured.

"Excellent!" Mayuri beamed. "Now we can began the test." 

Mayuri pushed a button and a huge vent on top of the building opened up. Huge vapors of the purple gas escaped through the vents and spread across Soul Society.

................................

Toshiro was minding his own business, walking through the hallways of the Squad 10 barracks when he came upon Rangiku's office. Normally, the well-endowed lieutenant would be thrown on the couch surrounded by sake bottles and reeking of alcohol. Instead, Rangiku was sitting at her desk going through her assigned paperwork like butter. The sight astonished Toshiro.

"Rangiku!? Wha-What are you doing?"

"My work." She replied without missing a beat. "I have a lot to do today."

Toshiro was so shocked by the sudden competence of his lieutenant that he failed to notice the purple gas surrounding the room. The gas on the other hand did not fail to begin affecting him.

"That's.....so..........BORING!!" Toshiro whined. 

"What are you complaining about?" Rangiku asked. 

"This paperwork stuff. It sounds so boring. Let's go eat watermelon or something." Toshiro began pulling on Rangiku's robe.

"Captain! Knock it off or I'm putting you in time out!" She threatened, not at all surprised by her captain's change of temperament.

Toshiro ignored her. "I want watermelon! I want watermelon!"

"That's it!" Rangiku slammed down her pen. "Go sit in the corner right now!"

"But I don't wanna!"

"Now!" 

Teary-eyed and defeated, Toshiro went to the nearest corner and sat in it while grumbling.

"And no talking!"

The grumbling stopped.

.....................

Byakuya and Renji were sitting on the porch of the Squad 6 barracks, enjoying the afternoon breeze.

"Things sure are quiet around here lately eh Captain?" Renji asked.

"Indeed." Byakuya agreed.

Suddenly the whole area was engulfed in a purple fog.

"Whoa!" Renji exclaimed. "What the hell is this?"

"Is it an enemy attack?" Byakuya gripped his zanpaktou, ready for battle.

Renji squinted as hard as he could but in the murkiness of the fog, he couldn't really see anything. He and Byakuya stood back to back.

"Renji." Byakuya said solemnly.

"Y-Yes Captain?"

"This gas...it reminds me....of MY ADORABLE BABY SISTER'S EYES!!!"

"....W-What!?" Renji could barely form words as he was still trying to comprehend what had just come out of his Captain's mouth. "What the hell happened to the captain?" He thought. "Is it the gas? Am I dreaming? This is pretty disturbing." 

Things only got even more disturbing for Renji when Byakuya suddenly burst into tears.

"C-Captain!" Renji shouted. "What's wrong!?"

"I miss Rukia so much!" Byakuya wailed. "Why does my precious baby sister have to be in the world of the living and I have to be here??"

"I don't know." Renji whimpered, scared out of his mind.

Suddenly, Byakuya brightened up again. "I know! I'll just open a senkaimon and visit Rukia!" Without another word, Byakuya opened a senkaimon and left the dumbfounded Renji behind.

"What the? What was that? I...I...fuck it I'm gonna grab a drink." Renji finally barked as he stormed away form the Sqaud 6 barracks, leaving the rest of the soul reapers to their fate.

............... 

Shunsui and Ukitake were enjoying some nice sake together.

"We really should do this more often." Shunsui commented.

"In all honesty, I really think we should be more mindful of Head Captain Yamamoto's warnings against reckless drinking." Ukitake said.

"Ah. What's the harm?"

The door to the room they were in opened up and violet gas started seeping in. Within the gas emerged a feminine shape.

"Oh Captain!" A familiar voice cooed.

"Nanao?" Shunsui asked.

Sure enough, the lieutenant of Squad 8 approached the two captains, her hair down, and clad in only a lacy white bra and panties. Shunsui's eyes budged while Ukitake blushed and began coughing uncontrollably.

"Nanao! Wha-What's going on here!? Where's your robe?" Shunsui stammered. 

Nanao just giggled and crawled on top of Shunsui who was blushing crazy at this point.

"That old thing? Why would you be worried about something like that when there's more fun things we can do." As she said this, she took off Shunsui's hat. The Squad 8 Captain turned to his friend. "Ukitake. A little help?"

Ukitake managed to stop coughing but he ignored Shunsui and Nanao, a look of rage on his face. "You know who I'm fucking sick of flaunting their shit all the time? Squad 11!"

"Huh?"

"Those fuck nuggets! Always acting like they're hot shit or something! Well we'll see who's hot shit after I kick Kenpachi's ass!" Ukitake got up, unsheathed Sogyo no Kotowari, and ran off screaming like a madman.

"Ukitake.....my dear friend. What has become of you!?" Shunsui shouted in a dramatic voice. Then he noticed the vapors in the room.

"This gas must be the cause for my friend's strange behavior." Shunsui took Nanao off of him and got up. "Nanao! Get dressed! We have to report this to Head Captain Yamamoto at once!"

"Awww!" Nanao pouted. 

Meanwhile, all of Soul Society was succumbing to the gas. At the Squad 2 barracks, Soi Fon and Omeada were bowing to each other in apology repeatedly, hitting their heads hard on the floors as they did so.

"Omeada, I'm so sorry for being such an abusive captain! I know as a rich man you have different ways of doing things and I respect that and you as lieutenant of the Stealth force!" Soi Fon blurted out.

"No Captain, I'm sorry for always slaking off and overeating. You deserve better as Captain of the Stealth force and as a woman!" Omeada shouted. They both slammed their heads on the floor. 

"FORGIVE ME!"

At the Squad 11 barracks, Kenpachi was running around his room screaming and crying because a Hell butterfly was chasing him. Yachiru was in the center wearing a black hoodie over her soul reaper robe. She was writing poetry based off Kenpachi's suffering.

"YACHIRU!!! HELP ME!!! IT'S GONNA TOUCH ME!!!!!! WAAAAAAAHHH!!! Kenpachi bawled.

"Tell me Kenny." Yachiru said in a quiet depressed voice that sounded like it belong to a teenager. "What's a good word to rhyme with "despair"?

and at the Squad 4 barracks, Unohana and Isane ran to the main after hearing the pained cries of their men. When they entered, they saw Hantaro standing over the unconscious bodies of the other Soul Reapers.

"Hantaro! What's going on here?" Unohana asked.

Hantaro turned to the captain, bloodlust in his eyes. 

"Captain Unohana! Prepare to be defeated!" He proclaimed as he held out his zanpaktou.

......................

Ichigo and Rukia had just finished killing another hollow. "That should be the last of them." Ichigo mused.

"Good work today Ichigo." Rukia chirped. "Now let's go eat at the bunny restaurant."

Ichigo frowned. "Again? This is the fifth time this month and I'm the one who always pays!"

"Well that's because your the one who eats the most." Rukia retorted.

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

Suddenly, a senkaimon opened up and Byakuya walked out.

"Nii-sama!" Rukia exclaimed.

"Byakuya!" Ichigo shouted. "What's up? Is something wrong in Soul Society?"

Byakuya said nothing but instead approached Rukia who gulped. Then, without warning, he scooped her up and pulled her into a huge hug.

"OH MY ADORABLE BABY SISTER HOW I MISSED YOU!!!" He shouted happily

Ichigo was so dumbfounded he rubbed his eyes to make sure what he was seeing was actually happening. Rukia was also speechless but would be lying if she said she entirely hated this.

"Ni-Nii-sama!? What's come over you!?" She managed to say as Byakuya put her down.

"I just wanted to see my baby sister is all! Is that too much to ask?" Byakuya pouted.

"N-No it's not! It's just me and Ichigo-

"Oh! So that's how it is!" Byakuya shouted. "Too busy with your dumb boyfriend to spend time with your big brother!"

Both Ichigo and Rukia blushed. "Ichigo's not my boyfriend!" Rukia corrected. 

"And I'm not dumb!" Ichigo added. "And another thing......are you crying?"

"It's always like this isn't it." Byakuya sniffed. "You two always hanging out together like best pals and leaving me alone with Renji!" It was then that Ichigo and Rukia were subjected to the terrifying sight of Byakuya weeping like a little kid.

"This is disturbing." Ichigo muttered.

"Tell me about it" Rukia agreed. Nevertheless, she faked a smile and went to put a hand on Byakuya's shoulder. "There, there Nii-sama. Me and Ichigo were about to go to a new restaurant. Would you like to come with us?"

"Hey! Don't I get a say-

"Really?" Byakuya looked up hopefully, tears in his eyes and snot running down his nose.

"....Ok fine. If it'll stop him from crying." Ichigo said.

Both members of the Kuchki household cheered. 

...............................

An hour later, The trio were at the bunny-themed restaurant that Rukia loved so much and to Ichigo's unsurpise, the Kuchki siblings had eaten more than half the food ordered. Well, it was more Byakuya then Rukia but still.

"Did I ever tell you about the time Renji got his junk stuck inside my ship-in-a-bottle?" The Squad 6 captain asked Ichigo.

"No and please keep it that way!" He shouted.

Byakuya took a swig from his glass of tap water and set it down with a loud "Ahhh!" as if it were sake.

"Have I ever told you how much I love you guys?" He asked, pulling Rukia closer to him. He tried to pull in Ichigo as well but the ginger teen pulled away, not having it.

"I love you too Nii-sama!" Rukia chirped. Although she was unnerved at first, Rukia was beginning to like this new side of her brother. 

Byakuya looked and Rukia, then Ichigo, then Rukia again.

"What's wrong?" Ichigo asked.

"Are you sure you too aren't dating?" Byakuya asked. Once again, Ichigo and Rukia went red on the cheeks.

"We already told you no!" Ichigo answered angrily. "Why do you keep asking?"

"Well it's because..." Byakuya trailed off.

"Spill it!"

"I think you two would make a beautiful baby together." 

Ichigo and Rukia were speechless.

"Just think about it. Your orange hair and Rukia's violet eyes. With a look like that he could be a captain!"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Ichigo. Please put a baby inside Rukia!" Then Byakuya passed out.

Rukia was still too stunned to speak.

"I think we should go to Kiskae's." Ichigo suggested.

Rukia said nothing but nodded in agreement. 

................................................

"So.....what's wrong exactly?" Yamamoto asked while guzzling his 11th bottle of sake.

Shunsui facepalmed and groaned. "I already explained! A strange gas is invading the Seireitei and changing the personalities of all the soul reapers, including you and me!"

"What are you talking about? I haven't changed one bit!" With that Yamamoto threw the now empty sake bottle across the room. It shattered against the wall, the shards joining a steady pile on the floor. Shunsui motioned to that pile.

"Okay. Maybe I've been hitting the bottle a little hard lately but that's only because Chojiro abandoned me and I'm sad." The Head Captain confessed.

"Look. We'll get him back but first we need to call for a captain's meeting and address this situation!"

"Fine fine!" Yamamoto relented. "I'll call for a captain's meeting."

"Thank you!" Shunsui shouted. "Finally! Once we gather the captains together, everything will be alright!" 

......

"Everything is not alright!" Shunsui cried.

Yamamoto did call for a captain's meeting but barely any of the captains came and those that did weren't exactly in tip-top shape. Soi Fon was dazed and confused from the concussion she gave herself bowing in apology to Omeada, bloodied bandages wrapped around her head.

Instead of Unohana, Hantaro was representing Squad 4, every word out of his mouth a challenge to everyone else present to fight, (especially Yamamoto)

Komamura was present but he was reduced to a snarling, foaming feral beast who had the be chained up by Tetsuzaemon who had very visible bites and scratches. Meanwhile Toshiro was sleeping in a baby carrier on Rangiku's back as she continued her paperwork diligently.

Byakuya, Kenpachi, Mayuri and Ukitake were nowhere to be seen.

"This is a disaster!" Shunsui screamed. "Where are the other captains?"

........... 

"Zaraki! Get yo bitch ass out here right now!" Ukitake shouted as he pounded on the door to the Squad 10 barracks. Kenpachi was crying and cowering underneath a table while Yachiru was writing a depressing haiku.

Solitary nox  
A mournful butterfly dies  
whilst watching the bone

"Ikkaku! Yumichika! Help me!" Kenpachi screamed to his subordinates who were busy making out in a closet. Ikkaku turned to his captain, blankly stated no, and resumed kissing Yumichika.

......................................

"So let me get this straight" Kisekae began. Byakuya came here to Kurakura Town and is acting like the complete opposite of himself."

"Yeah. That's pretty much it." Ichigo gestured to Byakuya and Rukia who were playing Pattycake together. Youruichi came out of nowhere and snatched one of Byakuya's hair pieces.

"Got your hairpiece!" She teased.

"Ah I don't care." Byakuya replied flatly.

Youruichi pouted and dropped the hairpiece. "Wow. Something's really wrong with him."

"Agreed." Kisekae muttered. Then he turned to Ichigo. "I think the best thing we can do is go to Soul Society and investigate what's causing this."

"And by that. You mean me right?" Ichigo asked.

"Correctamundo!"

Youruichi put a hand on Ichigo's shoulder. "I'll come with you."

"If Youruichi's going with you, then so am I!" Kon proclaimed. He was hiding in Ichigo's backpack.

Kisekae sighed. "Alright. Let me fetch Orihime, Uryru and Chad and I'll open a seikimon." 

.............................

After an hour, Ichigo, Youruichi, Orihime, Uryru Chad, and Kon were standing in front of the entrance gates. There was an eerie silence as the group entered the Seireitei. There was only empty buildings and not a single Soul Reaper in sight. 

"This is very strange." Uryu stated as he adjusted his glasses.

"No kidding." Ichigo muttered. "What's this purple fog?" As Ichigo spoke, the fog had wrapped itself around the group like an unwelcome security blanket.

"Whatever it is, it smells funny." Orihime whined.

Ichigo turned to Orihime. "Don't worry. We'll fix this mess no matter wha-

Ichigo leaped back as Chad's powered-up fist grazed his cheek. The others jumped back as well.

"Chad! What the hell?" Ichigo shouted.

Chad stood in the middle of the group, fuming, before letting out an angry roar.

"CHAD SMASH!" He bellowed as he tried to strike Youruichi. Normally, the former Captain of the Stealth Force would be able to dodge such an attack no problem but whatever was possessing Chad to lash out also made him extremely fast. With no other choice, Youruichi morphed into her cat form to avoid being punched, her discarded clothing taking the brunt of the hit instead.

"Chad! Calm down!" Ichigo pleaded. "Orihime! Maybe your powers can...Orihime?" Ichigo was stunned to see Orihime casually walking away from the scene.

"Orihime! Where are you going?" Ichigo asked.

"To get a latte, duh." Orihime answered in a rash attitude.

"But...Chad's attacking us."

"TNMP Ichigo."

"TNMP?"

"Totally Not My Problem." And with a whip of her hair, Orihime left her friends behind.

"Orihime!" Ichigo was to distracted to noticed Chad about to punch him again. Luckily Uryu's Reishi arrows stopped Chad in his tracks.

"Thanks Uryu." Ichigo said. "I was almost a goner."

"That would have been quite unfortunate." Uryu said. "But I could never let someone as awesome as a soul reaper die."

"Eh?"

"Oh you soul reapers are so cool with your bankai's and your Kidos. Ugh! You guys are just so awesome! I wish I was a soul reaper and not a stupid Quincy.

"Uryu. You're scaring me." Ichigo said.

"Ichigo!" 

Ichigo looked to the nearby rooftop to see Youruichi holding Kon in her mouth like a kitten. 

"Jump up and follow us!" Kon shouted. "Avoid the purple gas!"

Ichigo didn't need to be told twice. He jumped up with the cat and the plushie and the trio flash-stepped away from the area.

.......

Once the trio were safely away from Chad's temper tantrum, Youruichi motioned towards a building with only a single opening on the roof.

"The gas shouldn't be able to penetrate that building." She said. And with that the group entered the building.

"Whatever that gas is, it must be behind everyone acting weird." Ichigo said.

"That seems to be the case." Youruichi agreed. "And if common sense is anything to go by, I'll bet Mayuri has something to do with this."

Before Ichigo could ask what to do next, Chad punched through the wall like a battle ram "CHAD ANGRY!!"

"How did he get here so fast?" Ichigo asked as unsheathed his zanpakuto. Before the two could fight, a flash of light hit Chad, enraging him further. He turned around to see Ukitake running at him at full speed. 

"Come get some motherfucker!" The Squad 13 Captain yelled.

"Is that Ukitake?" Ichigo asked. "I didn't think it was physically possible for him to swear."

"Can it Ichigo!" Kon cried. "We got bigger problems!"

The purple gas seeped from the giant hole Chad had made and quickly engulfed the trio but not before Youruichi turned back into her human form and slapped a gas mask on Ichigo. Kon suffered a massive nosebleed at the sight of Youruichi's naked body and passed out.

"What the-"

"This mask will filter out the gas." Youruichi explained. "Get to Kisuke and tell him about the gas."

"But what about you and Kon?"

"It's too late. The gas is already inside us. Now go!"

Ichigo flashed-stepped back toward the seikimon. Chad and Ukitake were engaging in battle and ignored Youruichi and Kon.

Kon regained conciseness. "Eh, what's going on?" He asked.

"Chad and Ukitake are fighting each other and Ichigo went off to- HOLY CRAP I'M NAKED!" Blushing furiously, Youruichi wrapped her arms around herself. "How embarrassing!" She cried.

"My lady!" Kon exclaimed in a uncharacteristically gentleman-like voice. "Fear not! I shall make you decent." Kon looked around and found a torn fabric which he grabbed and presented to Youruichi. "Here you are my lady. This will protect your modesty."

"Thank you." Youruichi said sheepishly as she accepted the fabric. 

.......................

"Uh uh." Kisekae mused. "So this purple gas is to blame for Byakuya's strange behavior?" 

"Yeah. And Youruichi thinks that Mayuri is behind it." Ichigo added.

"This sounds like something he would do." Kisekae reached over to Ichigo's gas mask (which he was still wearing for some reason.) and took out an tiny canister. 

"What the?"

"Oh Youruichi didn't tell you?" Kisekae said coyly. "That gas mask also absorbs a tiny amount of the gas it's protecting it's user from for analysis."

Ichigo's eye twitched. "I wish you would start telling me this stuff first hand."

Kisekae went into a backroom with the canister and came out moments later with a different canister. The gas inside this canister was light blue.

"I reversed-engineered the gas." Kisekae explained. "This should help counter the effects of Mayuri's gas."

"But how do I cure everyone with it?" Ichigo asked.

"If Mayuri really is behind this, he probably used some sort of machine to spread it across the Seireitei. Get this gas into the machine and it should do the same."

"Wait shouldn't we test it first?"

"Good point. But on who?" Ichigo and Kisekae both turned to Byakuya who was doing Rukia's hair and humming the Chappy song. Rukia quickly noticed the two staring at them and, having heard the conversation, frowned.

"Wait!" She exclaimed. "Can't we keep Nii-sama like this a little while longer."

"Rukia." Ichigo began. "That isn't your brother. He's the complete opposite of himself. I mean just look at him!"

Rukia turned to her brother to see him playing with his feet in the air as if he were a baby. This did disturb her quite a bit.

"It's not how Byakuya would really want it."

Rukia sighed heavily and said "ok."

Kisekae walked up to Byakuya and let a tiny puff of the light-blue gas hit his face, causing him to sneeze. His beaming smiling face was quickly replaced by his typical stoic expression as he began looking around. "Where am I?" He asked.

"It works!" Kisekae shouted triumphantly.

"Never thought I'd be so glad to have the old Byakuya back." Ichigo mused.

"What do you mean by that Kurosaki? What happened to me?"

"I'll explain everything Nii-sama." Rukia said as she placed a hand on Byakuya's shoulder. Then she turned to Ichigo. "Ichigo. We leave the rest up to you."

"Got it." 

..........................................................................................................................

"It's the end of the world as we know it Nanao." Shunsui sighed sadly. Nanao, dressed in a leopard bikini and her hair once again down, was laying besides Shunsui, one arm wrapped around his leg. The two were standing atop the Tower of Repentance, surveying the chaos the gas had incurred. 

"The Head Captain's drunk himself into a coma, all the other captains are incapacitated and the Seireitei is in complete anarchy." Shunsui sat down as Nanao rose up and began stroking his hair. "The only hope we have left is Ichigo."

Suddenly, Shunsui could see a senkaimon open and Ichigo jump out. Although he was wearing a gas mask, Shunsui could tell that Ichigo had the same look of determination he always had in times of trouble. This put a smile on Shunsui's face as he knew what this meant: Help has arrived. 

Meanwhile, as Chad and Ukitake continued their bloody brawl with Uryu cheering the latter on, Youruichi was cautiously walking away from the scene, holding Kon who in turn was holding up to small cloth wrapped around her nude body. 

"I really hope no one sees me like this." She whimpered.

Just then, Soi Fon walked by, still rubbing her bandaged-up head. As soon as she spotted Youruichi, she burst out laughing while pointing a finger at the former Stealth Force Captain.

"Youruichi! You're naked!" She taunted.

"Eeek! Don't look!" Youruichi yelped as dropped Kon and covered herself.

Ichigo flash-stepped past the scene, with no one the wiser. 

....

At last he made it to the tower that Kiskae said Mayuri would be operating the gas from. Given how the gas turn it's victim's personalities into the complete opposite of themselves, Ichigo deduced that the best course of action would be to break into the building, let the gas seep in, and hopefully turn Mayuri submissive. Ichigo raised Zangetsu up, ready to strike.

"Getsuga Tenshou!"

Ichigo leapt through the giant hole he made inside the tower and found himself facing an unfazed Mayuri and Nemu. The gas from outside seeped in and surrounded the soul reapers.

"My my. How rude of you to barge in unannounced." Mayuri spat out. "Those walls cost money you know."

"It's over Mayuri!" Ichigo threatened as he pointed Zangetsu toward the Squad 12 Captain. "Stop the gas!"

Mayuri just started laughing manically. "What nerve of you to try and order me around. I suppose you think I'd listen because of the gas right?"

"Crap." Ichigo thought.

"I wouldn't be able to call myself a scientist if I didn't plan ahead you know. I already took the precautions needed to make myself immune the the effects of the gas." Mayuri turned to Nemu. "Now get him Nemu!"

"Ichigo gulped.

"Fuck off Bozo!" Nemu hissed.

There was silence.

"WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATT!?" Mayuri and Ichigo shouted in unison.

"I refuse to take orders from a guy with a toilet seat on his head." Nemu continued. "You can't even remember to make your lieutenant/daughter immune to the gas as well you're so stupid. I'd rather take orders from anyone else."

"Gaahhh! I don't believe this!" Mayuri cursed.

"Anyone huh?" Ichigo mused. "Hey Nemu! Tackle Mayuri would ya?"

"Are you out of your mind? Why would-OOF!"

Nemu tackled Mayuri to the ground. 

"Nemu! Release me at once!" Mayuri demanded.

"No."

While Mayuri was distracted, Ichigo walked up to the machine that was pumping out the gas. On the control panel, there was a slot which matched the size and shape of the vile Kiskae made.

"Seems easy enough." 

Ichigo slipped the vile in and pushed the start button. In seconds, The purple gas stopped being pumped out and was replaced by a light-blue mist that spread across the Seireitei.

.......

Ukitake, He's our man! If he can't do it, nobody can unless it's another soul reaper!" Uryu sang. Orihime approached him while sipping a pumpkin spice latte.

"Stop singing." She demanded. "It's cringey."

"You know what else is cringey? Your attitude!" Uryu defended. "You're just jealous of my love of Soul Reapers!"

"Whatever." 

As the two talked, Chad and Ukitake continued to try and kill each other. Suddenly, a wave of light-blue gas swept over everyone.

"Huh? What happened? And why am I drinking pumpkin spice?" Orihime said as she threw away the drink.

"I don't know." Uryu added as he pushed up his glasses. "My only guess is that the gas affected us and Ichigo must have stopped it."

"Good ol' Ichigo! He'll always save us no matter what right Chad.....Chad?"

Orihime and Uryu both turned to Chad and Ukitake who both at that moment fell into a puddle of their combined blood.

"Oh no! Chad!" Orihime screamed as she rushed to their aid.

Meanwhile the new gas also swept over Soi Fon, Youruichi and Kon.

"Nude! Exposed! No clothes on......uh...what was I just saying?" Soi Fon asked. "Where am I?"

"Oh joy!' Kon exclaimed as he jumped toward Youruichi. "My sweet goddess! Allow me onto your bos-GAHHHH!"

Soi Fon kicked the plushie away and then quickly draped her Captain's haori over Youruichi's body.

"Lady Youruichi! When did you come back to the Seireitei and what's become of your clothes?" As Soi Fon continued to babble, Youruichi's breath a sigh of relief. 

"You did it Ichigo." She thought happily.

The gas even reached Shunsui and Nanao atop the Tower of Repentance.

"Uh Where am I? Wasn't I just drinking with Junshiro a second ago?" Shunsui pondered. It didn't take too long for the Squad 8 Captain to notice his lieutenants's state of undress. She seemed to be aware of it too as she has covering herself, blushing wildly, and giving Shunsui a death glare.

"Nanao. I'm liking the new outfit." He chirped.

Nanao said nothing and just raised her zanpakuto.

"Ban...

"Wait wait wait a minute!"

"..KAI!!!!!!" 

.....................................................................

Everyone was gathered in the Head Captain's hall, including Ichigo and Rukia. Mayuri was being held by a kido spell made by Byakuya.

"Mayuri," Yamamoto began. "The Soul Society is no stranger to your mad science. But this time you have gone too far! How do you defend using your fellow soul reapers as guinea pigs!?

As the head captain continued to verbally reprimand the Squad 12 Captain, Rukia turned to her brother Byakuya.

"Nii-sama, I-

"I'd don't remember what I did or said while under the influence of Mayuri's gas." Byakuya said. "But if I did anything to hurt you, I'm sorry."

"You didn't hurt me Nii-sama." Rukia reassured Byakuya. "Not at all."

"So I was kind to you? More affectionate?"

"Y-Yes." 

Byakuya let a small smile escape his lips. "I suppose the gas wasn't that bad after all if it allowed me to bound with you more."

Rukia smiled at that.

"Well Mayuri?" Yamamoto finished. "What do you have to say in your defense?"

As expected Mayuri wasn't fazed at all. Instead he cleared his throat and began to speak.

"My fellow Captains, I know how enraged you must feel that I used you all as guinea pigs for my gas but you're not seeing the bigger picture here.

"And what would the bigger picture be?" Soi Fon asked.

"The gas was meant as a weapon to be used against the Arrancar." Mayuri let out a devilish grin. "If you would allow me, I know of a way to make it up to you all.... 

...................................................

"Thank you all for coming." Aizen greeted his Espada. Gin and Tousen were at his side. "I have very good news concerning the Hogyoku and-

Suddenly, a senkaimon opened above the table and a purple gas infiltrated the room. Everyone started coughing but were able to stop as the gas dispersed and the senkaimon closed.

"That was strange." Aizen said. "Now were we? Ahh yes! Back to the Hog....The Hoggie......the shiny thing I have.....I was gonna do something with it but I can't remember!" Aizen rubbed his head in frustration.

Gin, his normally leering face twisted into a scowl, turned to Aizen.

"How about you shove it up your ass!" He yelled as he stormed off.

"Hey! Were are you going?" Tousen asked.

"To Soul Society to ask for my job back. Maybe if I'm lucky I can get in Squad 10 with Rangiku!" 

".............Wait. Let me come with you!" Tousen ran after Gin.

"Wait! Guys! Come on! My evil plan can't....uh....be an evil plan without you!" Aizen turned to the Espada. "Guys help me out here!"

"Fuck that! I'm so hyped up I'm gonna run 2000 laps around Los Noches!" Starrk ran off as well, calling for Lillynette.

"What the? Where am I? Is Matlock on yet?" Barragan kept asking questions until he suddenly fell asleep.

"Fuck I am so horny right now!" Harribel shouted while feeling herself up. "But I guess it can't be helped when you got a bitchin' body like mine." She tore off her top and, while waving it in the air, ran out of the room. "Apache! Mila Rose! Sung-sun! We're opening a nude car wash!"

"Nude...car wash?" Ulquiorra's nose began to bleed. "Fuck you Aizen I'm outta here!" He shouted as he raced after Harribel.

Grimmjow and Nnoitora were hugging each other while crying.

"I love you man!"

"I love you too!"

"PRAISE JEBUS!" Szayel shouted while holding a gamer's bible. "It's time to repent! Confess yo sins!"

"Yeah I got a confession." Zommari said. Then he farted in Aizen's direction and sonidoed away while laughing.

"Oh god it stings!" Aizen cried.

"Maybe we should give back to the community." One of Aaroniero's head said.

"I agree. Let's start by feeding the homeless." The other head replied.

"Perfect. We have plenty of souls for that." And with that, Aaroniero left the room.

"Everyone please stop yelling! It's scary!" Yammy sobbed. Tears flowed freely from his eyes.

"GODDAMMIT! I CAN'T REMEMBER MY PLAN!" Aizen screamed, ignoring the hell butterfly fluttering around him.

Not even the likes of Byakuya or Soi Fon could keep the laughter inside. 

The End


	2. The Nude Society

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take this fic with a grain of salt.

When Soi Fon woke up on one particular morning, the first thing she noticed was that her bedroom seemed cooler than usual. She had left the window open last night as it was stuffy so she chalked it up to that, climbed out of bed, and grabbed her zanpakuto. She opened her closet to change into her Captain's clothes only to find it empty. This seemed to snap Soi Fon out of what grogginess she still felt as she could now hear the panicked cries of her squad from outside her room. She wasted no time leaving the room to find all of her squad running around all over the barracks. Normally, this kind of behavior would warrant swift discipline from Soi Fon but right now, she was too fixated on one detail concerning her screaming soldiers.

They were naked. Every single one of them.

Suddenly, a horrifying realization overcame Soi Fon as she looked down at herself and found that she was as bare as the rest of her squad. Instead of letting out an embarrassed "eek!" and covering up with her hands, like the other female Stealth Force members had done, The Squad 2 Captain quickly ran to her office and hid herself behind her desk. She then took out a Hell Butterfly.

"Omeada!" She called out. "Come to my office at once!"

No sooner had she gave the command, the lieutenant of Squad 2 appeared, assaulting Soi Fon's eyes with sights she wished she never saw.

"Gaahh! O-Omeada! Why is everyone in the Stealth Force, including me, naked!?"

"How should I know!" Omeada retorted as he stuffed his mouth with chips which he brought with him. "I just woke up without any clothes and when I saw that everyone else was naked, I figured it was some sort of new dress code or something."

"Omeada, if the Head Captain ever enforced a dress code, I am certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that it would include the dress part!" Soi Fon yelled. "Someone has stolen our clothes and I need to find out-ugh Could you please cover yourself!"

"Huh?" Omeada sounded offended. "What's should I? Mine is a body sculpted from a rich lifestyle! I have nothing to be ashamed of! Why I bet your just jealou-"

Soi Fon punched Omeada hard enough to launch him straight into the wall above the office door. A few seconds later, his unconscious body fell to the ground face-first, giving Soi Fon a view of everything she couldn't see from the front. She was certain she would have nightmares for weeks.

Another Hell Butterfly flew in from the window. Soi Fon was surprised at the information it provided.

"A mandatory Captain's meeting!? Right now!? A bright crimson spread across Soi Fon's cheeks as she lowered herself back behind the desk. "I can't! Not like this!" Things only got more confusing when the instructions for a kido spell were given...

................................

"Well this is awkward." Shunsui mused. All of the captains were gathered in the meeting hall and all of them were nude. The Hell Butterflies that summoned them here provided the instructions of a Kido spell that formed black bars over their private parts. Everyone had these except for Yamamoto whose beard provided enough covering, Komamura, whose furry body left nothing exposed and Kenpachi, who refused to use the Kido and left everything out in the open much to the other captain's disgust.

"I must say, this is quite embarrassing." Ukitake added sheepishly, covering himself despite the Kido.

"I agree that this is very troublesome as I had a lot planned for today! If this is someone's idea of a joke, I fail to see the humor in it." Soi Fon could not stop staring at the strange blue-haired man that she did not recognize. 

"Um...Who are you?" She finally asked.

The man just looked at her in shock. "Stupid girl! Isn't it obvious that I'm Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi!" 

There was a collective gasp from the other captains.

"Are you for real?"

"No way!"

"A lot more handsome than I expected."

"Pfft! The same thief that stripped us all naked also took all my make-up!" Mayuri complained. "When I get my hands on them-

"Enough!" Yamamoto silenced the whole room with a slam of his zanpakuto. "I have called this meeting to discuss the discovery, apprehension and punishment of the childish-thief who took all the clothes from Soul Society! Not to listen to your petty bickering."

"Strict as ever aren't you, Head Captain?" In a split second, the Flash Goddess herself, Yoruichi Shihoin, appeared in the center of the room.

"Lady Yoruichi!" Soi Fon beamed before remembering her current state of affairs. Blushing violently, Soi Fon wrapped her arms around herself and sank lower to the floor

"Being seen naked by Lady Yoruichi!" She thought miserably. "Can this day get any more humiliating!?"

Soi Fon's thoughts of shame were interrupted by a soft pat on her head.

"Now now little bee!" Yoruichi chirped. "You have nothing to be embarrassed of."

"Is this your doing cat woman?" Byakuya asked in a stern voice.

Yoruichi let out a "blep" and winked. "Maybe. Looking good by the way."

"Shihoin!" The head captain shouted. "What is the meaning of this nonsense? The Gotei 13 are a strict and serious operation!"

"That's exactly why I did it." Yoruichi answered. "You guys are way too uptight and I think spending a day in your birthday suits is just what you need to mellow out! Plus I was bored."

"Return our clothes at once!" Toshiro demanded.

"Not until tomorrow. And don't worry. I have all your clothes safe and sound in a place only I know." Without another word, Yoruichi flash-stepped away. 

"Great so what are we supposed to do? Kenpachi asked.

Yamamoto let out a huge sigh. "I suppose we have no other option. The Gotei 13 will carry out it's duties as usual until tomorrow. Any objections?"

"Neigh." The Captains groaned in unison.

"Then you are all dismissed."

As Soi Fon walked away, her mind buzzed with conflicting thoughts. 

"This is quite definitely the most degrading situation I have ever had to endure. But if Lady Yoruichi is counting on me, I won't let her down!" 

..................

"Alright you lazy bums! I wanna see you fighting, not whining!" Kenpachi roared at his men. Despite the enforced nudity, The Squad 10 captain insisted that his men keep training. This resulted in a lot of injuries, most pertaining to the men's you-know-what region. Yumichika also kept his eyes shut and refused to open them.

"Ayasegawa!" Kenpachi barked "Why aren't you fighting?"

"I refuse to look at ugly things and right now I'm surrounded by them. " He stated in a obvious tone.

Ikkaku on the other hand was the only one doing any fighting. "Come on Yumichika! Fight me!" He swung his wooden sword at Yumichika and ended up hitting his head, knocking him out cold.

"I'm surrounded by idiots." Kenpachi thought to himself.

...........

"Isane! Could you please come here!"

Despite her embarrassment, Isane ran to the room where her Captain's voice called from. "Yes Captain Unohana?"

She was greeted to the sight of Unohana tending to about 50 fallen men from the Squad, all suffering from massive nosebleeds.

"This is happening all over the Squad 4 barracks and I don't know why?" She said innocently, not caring about some of the blood splattering on her bare skin.

"I could think of two good reasons.' Isane thought. "or three....or four."

...........

"Please marry me Captain!"

"So handsome!"

"Let me have your babies!"

The females of Squad 12 were surrounding Mayuri.

"So troublesome!" He groaned.

........

"A-Are you sure captain Ukitake?" Rukia gulped.

"I'm afraid so." The Squad 13 Captain said. "Everyone else in our squad is busy and Yamamoto said there was a Menos problem in Karakura Town."

"I understand Captain, but still." Rukia grimaced, remembering that a certain strawberry and his friends lived there.

"Not to worry." Ukitake assured. "I have intel that Ichigo and his family are on vacation and aren't due back for awhile. Plus it's school hours in the world of the living so the rest shouldn't be a problem."

Rukia felt immense relief at those words. She knew she would just die of embarrassment if any of her human friends saw her bare.

"Alright Captain Ukitake. I'll do it." 

......

"My my! What a scandalous turn of events." Gin was watching from his room in Hueco Mundo through a Hell Butterfly he had secretly placed in the Seireitei. Needless to say he was pretty amused by what was currently happening to the Gotei 13.

"I think it's time to have a little fun."

........

"You want us to invade the Soul Society now?" Aizen asked. "It's way too soon."

"Aw but Lord Aizen! The Soul Society is quite indisposed as of right now making it the perfect time to strike."

Aizen furrowed his brows. "What do you mean indisposed?"

Gin wagged his finger. "Uh-uh! I want it to be a surprise but I assure you they are in no condition to fight."

Aizen thought about it for a moment. Then he smiled. "Very well. Gather the Espada. Today we make our move."

........

"Dance, Sode No Shirayuki!" 

As the defeated Menos evaporated into nothing, Rukia made a quick dash behind a nearby tree. Even though Ichigo was gone for the time being, there was still the chance that Orihime, Uryu or Chad might show up. Rukia heard a loud roar and noticed one more Menos approaching.

"Just one more Hollow and then I can go back home without anyone seeing me." She thought. As the young Kuchiki prepared to battle, the Menos was suddenly split in half by an all-too familiar attack.

"Getsuga Tenshou!"

"Oh no!" Rukia groaned.

Sure enough, the orange-haired Soul Reaper known as Ichigo Kurosaki was standing triumphantly over the quickly vanishing body of the Hollow he had just slain.

"What the hell is he doing here? I thought that Captain Ukitake...grrr!" Rukia began to slowly walk away. "I have to get out of here before Ichigo senses my-

"Hey Rukia!" Ichigo greeted as he started walking over to Rukia.

"-spiritual pressure." Rukia spat out. She hid her body behind the tree making sure nothing but her head could be seen by Ichigo.

"Ichigo." She greeted through gritted teeth. "Maybe I can make him leave before he notices." She thought. "Um what are you doing here? Captain Ukitake said you were on vacation with your family."

"Actually it was a medical leave for my old man's bunion problem. I managed to convince my sister to let me stay home in case our house gets robbed. Pretty lucky huh?"

"Really lucky!" Rukia gushed falsely. "Real freakin lucky."

"Hey Rukia. Why are you hiding behind that tree?" Ichigo asked. "You look real suspicious like that you know."

Rukia could feel her cheeks warming up. "Oh uh. I..I'm...sending my report to Captain Ukitake! She finally shouted.

"And you have to hide behind a tree for that?" Ichigo inquired.

"You never know when Aizen and his forces might be watching!" Rukia explained as she mentally cursed herself for putting such a horrifying thought as the enemy seeing her naked in her head.

"Well okay. I was just about to go back to school. Do you wanna come? Orihime said she made you another batch of tofu cookies."

"No thanks! I mean..uh...how about you just go ahead and I'll catch up later." Rukia hated lying to Ichigo about this but she couldn't let him know the truth.

"Well okay. See ya Rukia." And with that Ichigo flash-stepped away.

Rukia wiped the sweat off her forehead and leaped away from her hiding spot onto the nearest building. "Now if I can just make it home...

"Oh Rukia I almost forgot! Orihime wanted to know if.....uhhhh.."

Rukia didn't have to look back to know that Ichigo was standing right behind her and had an unobscured view of her behind. The light crimson on her cheeks was now a raging scarlet and she mentally prayed for a Hollow to come and kill her right then and there.

"I--Ichigo." She worked up the nerve to turn her head and face him. "I can explain."

(One long and embarrassing explanation later.)

"So Yoruichi took ALL the clothes from Soul Society and is making you stay naked for a day?" Ichigo asked.

"Yes. Rukia confirmed. "And needless to say, nobody's happy about it."

Ichigo just groaned. "What is that crazy cat thinking?" Ichigo grabbed Rukia by the arms, taking care to look the other way. "We'll go back to my house and grab some of my sister's clothes for you. Then we'll find Yoruichi and give her a piece of our mind."

"Ichigo."

"Well well what do we have here?" Yoruichi cooed from behind the two Soul Reapers.

"Crap!" They both said in unison.

"Now Ichigo. What was that about giving me a piece of your mind? Hmm?" Yoruichi smiled mischievously as she approached Ichigo.

"Oh this is not gonna end well." Ichigo gulped.

.....

"It did not end well."

Now not only was Ichigo also naked but both he and Rukia were tied to a pole in the other side of town. Even worse, they both were in visble gigais. 

"Never underestimate the former Captain of the Stealth Force!" Yoruichi said as she walked off.

"Yoruichi!!" Ichigo shouted angrily. "Just wait until I get my hands on you!"

"Oh brother." Rukia groaned. 

...............................

Toshiro marched towards his lieutenant's office, hearing the many excited voices of Squad 10's men. As he entered the room, he saw several of the squad's men ogling Rangiku as she laid bare on her desk, enjoying all the alcohol they were providing her.

"Ahh you boys shouldn't have." She teased.

"That's enough!" Toshiro shouted, herding the men out of the room in 10 seconds flat.

"Aww! Captain!" Rangiku whined.

"Don't "aww Captain" me! Get back to work! Being stuck in our birthday suits is no excuse to get lazy!"

Aww come now!" Rangiku said in a seductive voice as she rose up, giving Toshiro a good view of her body. "Surely you can make an exception this time

Toshiro was unimpressed "I couldn't call myself a Captain if I could be easily distracted like that! Get back to work." 

"Awww!"

Suddenly, a Hell Butterfly flew into the room. Toshiro tensed when he heard it's message.

"The Espada are attacking the Seireitei? We have to stop them!"

Then he remembered his state of undress., causing him to blush. 

"B-But first, I think I'll......uh.... put Hyorinmaru in the fridge for a little bit to power it up." Then he ran away. 

"That's clearly a lie he made up so he doesn't have to fight the enemy naked." Rangiku acknowledged. She shrugged and happily picked up another bottle of sake.

"But that just means I can take the day off!"

......

"But Captain!"

"No."

"The Espada are attacking!"

"The answer remains no."

"We're Soul Reapers! It's our jobs to fight!" Renji screamed.

"My duties as a Soul Reaper come second to my duties as the Head of the Kuchiki Clan and as Head of the Kuchiki Clan, I cannot slander the family name by appearing before the enemy unclad." Byakuya said calmly. "Speaking of which, have you found Rukia yet?

"N-No Captain! Not yet!" Renji stammered.

"Make haste and do so. And be sure to avert your eyes when you find her or I will have to gouge them out myself." The fact that Byakuya said this in his typical stoic voice only made his words even more threatening.

"Y-YES SIR!" 

.......

"But I have to fight the arrancar!" Komamura protested

"Not until we get all this dirt and grime outta your fur!" Tetsuzaemon argued. "To think that a Captain's haori would make so much of a difference." The Squad 7 lieutenant poured another bowl of cold water over Komamura, causing him to howl with displeasure.

"I hate baths!" He muttered.

..................

"So the enemy has finally decided to attack! They couldn't have picked a worse day!" Soi Fon muttered as she paced back and fourth in her office.

"I have to fight but I can't let the arrancar see me like this. But Lady Yoruichi entrusted me with this mission of self-confidence!"

"What mission? She just stripped you naked and she did that to everyone." Omeada wheezed through another bag of chips. Soi Fon said nothing but instead threw a chair which knocked Omeada out the window, never changing her facial expression of thoughtfulness. Suddenly, she clapped her hands together.

"I got it! I know how to beat the enemy without being seen!"

................

"YES! IT'S ABOUT DAMN TIME!" Kenpachi roared. "Come on men let's fight!" Kenpachi expected to hear the sounds of his squad cheering but when he only heard groans of pain, he turned around and saw almost everyone knocked out.

"Tsst sissies!" And with that Kenpachi flash-stepped away. "More for me!" 

...........................................

Ichigo and Rukia had spent the better part of the afternoon streaking across Karakura Town, hiding behind anything they could find. Doing so is how the two found themselves hiding behind someone's lawn ornaments, reflecting on their life choices. Rukia was standing behind a duck pinwheel with a flower underneath it and Ichigo was hiding behind two cardboard men cutting a log.

"Hey Rukia, can we trade? I don't trust these guys."

"Focus Ichigo! We have to make it back to your house before anyone sees us!" Suddenly, a hot air balloon with Don Konji's logo on it landed in front of the two naked soul reapers. The balloon's namesake jumped out and preformed his signature entrance.

"Bwaa Haw Haw! The spirits are always with you! Now to take care of that spirit down on Elm Street!" Don Konij walked away leaving his balloon unguarded.

"Now's our chance!" Rukia grabbed Ichigo's arm and pulled him with her into the balloon. "Do you know how to fly this thing Ichigo?"

"No I don't! Why didn't you ask that before we got in!?" Ichigo ranted.

"Just shut up and drive!" Rukia retorted.

Ichigo groaned and pulled the lever, causing the balloon to begin floating up just as Don Konji came back.

"Hey! Evil spirits are stealing my balloon!"

Suddenly a hot plate crashed down next to him.

"Ahh! My hot plate! I only had two payments left on that! Curse you evil spirits!"

...

A few minutes passed and Ichigo and Rukia were still in the sky.

"Okay." Ichigo said. "I think I got it figured out. It can go up and down but not side to side.

"Look Ichigo!" Rukia exclaimed as she pointed towards a nearby clothesline. "Clothes! We're saved!"

"Are you kidding!?" Ichigo barked. "They look like they were just stolen from a lost and found! We'll look like fashion victims!"

"Just grab them moron!" Rukia carped.

Ichigo groaned and tried to reach for the clothes as the balloon cam near them. Just as he was about to grab them, the balloon bumped against the building and Ichigo fell out. He managed to grab on to the rope hanging from the balloon but now he was dangling from the balloon as well.

"Dammit!"

"Ichigo you might want to look out!" Rukia called out.

"Why?" Ichigo would get his answer as he neared the rooftop

Meanwhile, inside said building.

"I can't believe you replaced the top of our building with a glass roof!" Hiyori fumed as the rest of the Visored mumbled in agreement.

"Come on. The old roof was literately falling apart." Shinji defended. "Besides, with a glass rooftop, we can enjoy all the beautiful sights the world has to show us!"

No sooner had the former Captain of Squad 5 spoke that a hot air balloon floated above the building dragging a naked Ichigo Kurosaki's rear end across the roof.

"What th- UHHHHGG!" Shinji cried as he turned to see the cause of the noise. A collective gasped escaped the Visored who mostly turned their gaze to the floor in embarrassment. Except for Lisa who started taking pictures with her phone, nose bleeding heavily but her expression never changing.

"Ohh My ass!" Ichigo cried as his nude form left the sight of the Visored.

Shinji could only stare into nothing in horror as Hiyori, blushing but still wearing her angry scowl, glared at him.

"Okay." He finally said. "The glass roof goes bye-bye." 

.....

In front of the front gate of the Seireitei stood the Espada.

"Hell yeah! I've been waiting for this moment!" Grimmjow beamed.

"Me too! Today, My Santa Tersa will be bathed in the blood of the soul reapers!" Nnoitra agreed.

Barragan was excited as well. "Today we conquer the soul reapers!"

"Can we just go back home? I'm too tired for this crap." Starrk complained.

"You're always tired so shut up already." yelled Lilynette as she delivered a sharp kick to Starrk's behind.

"Oww!"

"Doesn't anyone think it's a little odd that Aizen sent us out of the blue like this?" Harribel asked.

"Do not question Lord Aizen's motives." Ulquiorra replied. "If he has decided that today is the best day to attack then so be it."

"Agreed." Zommari confirmed 

"Let's just get on with it! I wanna kill something!" Yammy bellowed.

"Don't forget to save some for me to experiment on." Szayel purred.

"Or for us to devour." Aaroniero hissed.

Just as the Espada were about to attack, the doors to the Seireitei collapsed and a figured stood before them, the resulting dust obscuring his body so only his smiling face could be shown.

"The name Kenpachi Zaraki and it'll be a pleasure to kill you today!"

No it'll be our pleasure to kill you!" Nnoitra roared. The two bloodthirsty battle-hungry warriors stared each other down as the air tensed up with the adrenaline of the impending battle. 

Then the dust cleared. 

Silence.

Then Aaroniero's head shattered as Starrk screamed.

"Huh? What are you crying about?" Lillynette, who had been distracted by a butterfly until now, turned her head to see what the commotion was about only for Starrk to cover her eyes.

"Starrk! What the hell!?"

"Uh-uh! This is not something children should see!" Starrk whimpered, wishing he could unsee it too.

"What blasphemy is this!?" Barragan hissed. "You dare approach the King of Huceo Mundo undressed!?"

"Former king." Starrk corrected.

"Feh! I'm going to complain to Aizen about this...this.....outrage!" And with that Barragan left.

Harribel just kept staring, eyes open as wide as physically possible. "I feel....conflicted."

"How disgusting." Ulquiorra stated flatly. "......Why are my eyes burning?"

"WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU NAKED YOU BASTARD!?" Nnoitra and Grimmjow shouted in unison.

"Huh?" Kenpachi said before remembering his his current state. "Oh. Some cat stole my clothes or something. All of Soul Society's butt naked. " Then he resumed his battle-hungry smile. "Who cares about that? Fight me!"

"Yeah! I'm gonna rip you into pieces!" Yammy bellowed as he charged the Squad 11 Captain. Nnoitra and Grimmjow looked at each other for a few seconds, smiled, than charged as well. 

"How unsightly!" Zommari cried. "We should report to Aizen that the Seireitei have gone mad!"

"I agree." Starrk said as he opened a Garganta, Lillynette still struggling in his arms. "You coming Szayel?"

"Not yet." Szayel said as he watched the fight. "I could get some new information form this"

Starrk was visibly disturbed. "O....k. Harribel?"

Harribel's response was delayed. "W-What? Oh..sure." Harribel approached the Garganta, mentally thanking Aizen that her uniform covered her face so no one could see the deep shade of crimson it currently was.

"Let's make our report at once." Ulquiorra said as he moved.

"Umm Ulquiorra?" Starrk said. "The Garganta's over here."

Ulquiorra looked back and forth between the Garganta and the empty space he had been walking toward.

"Apologies. My sight continues to blur." Ulquiorra left with the other Espada, leaving Grimmjow, Nnoitra, Yammy, Szayel, and the headless body of Aaroniero behind. 

.........................

Rukia and Ichigo continued to fly through the sky with the latter hanging from the rope, one hand covering his manhood. Before Rukia could think of a way out, the balloon flew over a football stadium with a game in progress. 

"Uh oh." The two soul reapers said in unison.

One of the players kicked the ball, sending it on a collision course with Ichigo's ass. It made a direct hit.

"Gah!" The pain made Ichigo temporally let go of his front. The audience didn't appreciate that little show and pelted the players with food and trash alike.

"Don't blame me!" The kicker pleaded. 

The projectiles also hit the balloon, causing it to lower to the ground. The resulting thud tossed both Ichigo and Rukia to the ground as the balloon recovered it's wind and left them behind. They were now both in the middle of a packed football stadium.

Completely nude.

There was plenty of commotion among the audience.

"Why don't you take a picture!? It'll last longer!" Ichigo shouted angrily. Unfortunately, the audience took his fake advice and started snapping pictures.

"Dammit!" He barked.

Rukia could only cover herself with her hands as she miserably looked at the gawking audience.

"Please don't let anybody we know see this." She mentally pleaded to no one in particular.

Meanwhile, at Orihime's house, She, Chad, and Uryu had just watched the whole thing from the game's broadcast.

Orihime was mortified beyond all words., blushing furiously and covering her eyes. "Oh my goodness!" She cried. "How embarrassing!" 

Chad's facial expression was the same as it usually was but his cheeks were flushed just like Orihime's.

"This is...awkward."

Uryu just scoffed and fixed his glasses.

"You'd never find a Quincy in such a compromising situation." He stated. 

.........

30 minutes into the battle and while Yammy had already fallen, Grimmjow and Nnoitra were at their limits, soaked in blood and in full Resurreccion.

"I don't get it!" Nnoitra groaned as he powered down back to his base form. "Why am I having so much trouble beating a naked guy!?"

"Maybe it's because he's naked that we can't win." Grimmjow beamed, returning to his original form as well.

"What are you talking about?" Nnoitra asked.

"Don't you get it!? Since he's not wearing anything he's at his top speed and there's no clothes to restrict his movement either! His nudity makes him stronger! And what it did for him it could do for me!" And with that, Grimmjow began stripping.

Nnoitra was horrified at the sight of the Sexta Espada removing his clothes and charging back into battle.

"Nope." 

He dropped Santa Teresa and walked away while simultaneously flipping off Kenpachi and Grimmjow.

"No no no. I have seen more than enough naked men today! I would only ever want to see a naked woman. But since there's none around here, I'm leaving this shi-

A bright light engulfed the entire area, blinding Nnoitra.

"GAAAHH!!!"

Before he could react, Nnoitra was blindfolded and had his hands pulled behind his back and handcuffed.

"What the hell!"

When the light cleared, the whole area was crawling with nude members of the stealth force. Soi Fon grabbed Nnoitra and tossed next to the also-captured Grimmjow, Yammy, and Szayel. Aaroniero's headless body was also in the pile.

"Good work men! Soi Fon praised. "We caught the Espada and saved Soul Society, all while protecting our modesty."

"There IS a naked chick around here! Nnoitra roared. "Someone get this damn blindfold off of me!" Soi Fon silenced the arrancar with a karate chop.

"Aww man." Kenpachi complained. "The fight was just getting fun!"

"You can fight naked arrancar some other time." Soi Fon retorted as she looked around. "Where are the other Espada?"

"They ran like cowards. Guess they didn't have the guts to fight." Kenpachi scoffed.

"Yeah...that's why." Soi Fon muttered, trying not to look at Kenpachi's nudity. "At least no more people will see me naked today. 

.......

The entire affair was being watched by Aizen, Gin and the remaining Espada, save for Barragan who refused to be "disrespected" again.

"Move your damn hands Starrk! I wanna see!" Lillynette finally pried Starrk's hands off her eyes so she could...and instantly regretted doing so.

"Ahhh! My eyes are burning! Put them back Starrk! Put them back." Lillynette cried as she put Starrk's hands over her eyes again.

"Good grief." Starrk turned to Harribel as he noticed something unusual. 

"Hey Harribel. Did you get hurt on the way back here or something?" He asked.

"Huh? Why?"

"There's a huge bloodstain on your mask."

Harribel wiped her face and was mortified to see blood on her fingers.

"Oh...it's nothing." She turned to Aizen." "M-May I leave now?"

"You may." Aizen answered without taking his eyes off the screen. Harribel bowed in thanks and rushed out of the room where Apache was waiting.

"Lady Harribel!" She exclaimed. "Is something wrong?"

"N-No." Harribel replied sheepishly. "I just think we need to take a vacation is all." And with that, she walked out of the room.

"Lord Aizen." Zommari spoke up. "What do we do about these disgusting heathens?"

"It's obvious what we do. We-"

TWACK!

Ulquiorra, now with black glasses on his face, had accidentally knocked Zommari out with his cane.

"Oh no."

"I feel your pain." Tousen said.

Aizen let out a sigh and turned to Gin. "Was this supposed to be some kind of joke?" He asked.

"I course not!." Gin shouted in a fake hurt voice. "They were indisposed....at first."

"I see."

"Am I in trouble?" Gin asked.

"No. Just make sure to rescue the other Espada later. It'd be too much of a pain to make new ones." 

"Yes sir!" Gin beamed as he left the room.

"And make sure Grimmjow has pants! I don't want that naked nonsense to spread to Huceo Mundo!" 

And so the day had come to an end. Yoruichi kept her word and returned everyone's clothes by morning. She also had Urahara wipe the memories of Ichigo and Rukia's naked balloon ride from everyone in town, much to the relief of the two Soul reapers. The only evidence that embarrassing event ever transpired was Lisa's photos. And since the Gotei 13 decided to remove this day from the record, it would seem to have faded from history and that everything was back to normal.

The next day however....

"WHO THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUNNY TO SHAVE THE ENTIRE 13 COURT GUARD SQUADS!" A angry and beardless Yamamoto roared. The suddenly less-intimidating would have evoked laughs from the other Captains if they weren't also dealing with sudden hair loss as well. The women were teary-eyed, Shunsui's hat wouldn't stay on, Byakuya looked as if her were going to explode and the less said about Komamura the better.

"WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!?" Yamamoto shouted.

Sudden'y Ikkaku burst through the doors, laughing manically with a electronic razor in his hand.

"This is what you get for making fun of my bald head all these years!" 

Ikkaku ran off while still laughing like and madman as the entire Gotei 13 chased after him.

The End


	3. Taco Aizen

"Good Morning my Espada." Aizen greeted. It was morning in Los Noches and most of the Espada were still groggy from waking up. 

"Good Morning nothing." Grimmjow growled. "Why the hell did you wake us up so early?"

"To discuss a matter of up most importance." Aizen answered. "It's come to my attention that Los Noches is currently low on funds."

"Low on funds?" Starrk asked. "I didn't even know Los Noches needed funds."

"Well it does and fast." Aizen answered. "I'm opening the floor for any suggestions."

"How about we turn Los Noches into a whore house!" Nnoitra exclaimed. 

"But we don't have any hookers." Starrk retorted.

"We would if we whore out the female arrancar. Just imagine all the money we'd make if we trained them to deep-throat....

Harribel raised her Tiburon to Nnoitra's neck.

"Finish that sentence and you'll be the one deep-throating my zanpakuto."

Tsk, Bitch." Nnoitra croaked as Harribel lowered her blade.

"How about a mattress store!" Starrk suggested. "Everyone loves those!"

"You idiot! Lilynette kicked him in the sides. "You're only suggesting that so you can sleep where ever you want!

"How did you get in here?" Starrk barked.

"How about a fight club!?" Grimmjow was next to speak.

"Now that's an idea!" Nnoitra beamed. "Then I can be payed to kill Kurosaki!"

"Hey Kurosaki's my prey! Back off Spoonhead!"

"You back off Fleabag!" Grimmjow and Nnoitra unleashed their zanpakuto and began fighting. They would have killed each other in not for Ulquiorra pulling them off of each other.

"Well if no one has any ideas." Aizen spoke up. "I'd like to enforce- I mean propose my idea." He motioned to Gin and Tousen who pulled down a poster that depicted a Mexican restaurant with the name Los Nachos above it's front doors.

"What the fuck is that?" Nnoitra spat out.

"It's my new restaurant." Aizen chirped. "And you'll all inhabit gigais and work there in the human world."

There was a collective WHAT from all the Espada.

"B-But Lord Aizen." Ulquiorra shouted.

"Do you question my motives Ulquiorra?" Aizen asked calmly.

"N..No. Lord Aizen." Ulquiorra sat back down.

"I've been doing research on human trends in the World of the Living and it seems Mexican food is really popular this time of year!" Gin chirped. "I had Szayel whip up the gigais you'll be using to work their

All eyes angrily glared at Szayel who just smiled and waved. 

"How long are we gonna have to work there!?" Grimmjow growled.

"As long as it takes to collect the necessary funds." Aizen smiled. "Now let's begin ."

.......................................................................................

"Jerry, are you sure about this?" Cathy asked. "Don't you think a Mexican restaurant in Japan is weird?"

"Honey. It's Japan." Jerry reassured his wife. "Everything is weird! Now come on kids! Let's eat!"

The two kids, Tom and Sarah, jumped out of the car with glee while a reluctant Cathy crawled out of the car and followed her eager family to Los Nachos.

The second the family set foot inside they were treated to the sight of a one-eyed grumpy old man sitting on a stool before the tables.

"Welcome to Los Nachos!" He hissed. "I'm the manager Barragan."

A skinny boy with black hair walked up. "But Mr. Barragan, I thought Aizen was-

Barragan grabbed the boy by the head and flung him to the other side of the room. "I'm the manager!"

"Okay..." Jerry coughed into his hand. "Well me and my family would like to be seated please."

"Ggio, bring these ants to their seats." Barragan demanded as a fraccion limped back to the scene. 

"Y-Yes sir." Ggio fretfully turned to the family. "Right this way please." 

Ggio showed the family to a table and they sat down.

"Someone will be here to take your order soon." He grumbled. 

"Well I'd like to drink-" Cathy tried to order a drink but Ggio walked off before she could finish. "The service in this place is terrible!"

Suddenly a long blonde haired man popped out of nowhere, startling the family.

"Terribly sorry for Ggio's rudeness." He apologized. "My name is Findorr and I will bring you the drinks you desire."

Cathy brightened up. "Ok! I'll have a sweet tea."

"I'll have a black coffee and the kids will both have lemonade." Jerry chimed in.

"Exacta!" Finndorr beamed. "I'll bring them over right away." And with that he left.

"You see honey." Jerry said. "This place isn't all bad."

"I guess."

Suddenly the children screamed as a giant of a man appeared near the table.

"What will you have?" He croaked. 

"Oh uh." Jerry skimmed through the menu. "I'll have the Gillian Platter."

"I'll have the Adjuchas Appetizer." Cathy trembled.

"We want the Vasto Lorde Surpise!" The kids screamed in unison.

"Very well." The giant man took the menus and left.

"That was scary." Cathy shuddered.

Meanwhile Poww brought the orders back to the kitchen where Szayel was waiting. 

"Ah so a Gillian Platter, Adjuchas Appetizer and two Vasto Lorde Surpises." He confirmed. "I'll get right on it." 

Szayel quickly turned to Nnoitra who was angrily mopping the floor. "Don't miss a spot!" Szayel growled.

"How did I end up like this?" Nnoitra barked.

"Aizen said you were making too many sexist comments to the female customers." Telsa explained as he was washing dishes nearby.

"Telsa. Shut up."

"Yes sir!" 

Nirgge and Abirama were called to the kitchen by Szayel at the same time. He handed a platter of foul liquids to Abirama and a platter of unidentifiable purple gunk to Nirgge.

"Take these to table 3." He demanded.

"I-Is this food?" Nirgge asked. "It looks like crap."

"It's edible." Szayel hissed. "Now serve!"

Niggre and Abirama shrugged and rushed over to the family in waiting right as Poww was walking by.

"Get out of the way!" They screamed in unison before crashing into the giant arrancar.

"Our food!" Jerry shouted right before a new platter of food was placed on the table by a man with a visor over his eyes, Tousen.

"Here is your meal on behalf of justice." The man said.

"Oh Thank you!" As Jerry and his family enjoyed their food, Tousen approached the fallen Fraccion.

"Tell Szayel that he's off kitchen duty." He said with disdain in his voice. 

That, however would not be necessary as Szayel overheard from the kitchen. 

"What!?"

"Me and Gin will take over the food. You have been promoted to busboy."

Szayel pouted. "That hardly seems like a promotion."

..........................................................................

After Jerry and his family finished their food, They approached the front desk to pay. Stationed there were two employees, a blue-haired man with a scowl on his face and a black-haired kid with KISS-like makeup on his face. The latter was scaring the children.

"Um...H-Here's the check." Jerry stammered, intimidated by the blue-hair.

"It better not bounce or you lose your heart privileges." He growled before putting the check up, causing Jerry to gulp.

"Would you like to by a fattening sweet from this counter before you leave?" Asked the black-haired man in a deadpan voice.

"N-No thanks." Cathy whimpered as she pushed her kids away from the desk. The family left in a hurry, nearly knocking down a elderly couple entering Los Nachos at the same time. 

Gin approached the desk and shook his head. 

"Ulquiorra." He cooed. "You should smile more. It'll make the customers feel at ease."

"Whether the customers feel at ease or not is irrelevant." Ulquiorra grimaced. " All that matters is that they hand over there money to Lord Aizen's cause."

"Riiiight." Gin slowly backed away.

"Tsk, This is stupid." Grimmjow shouted. "Why can't we just mug them for cash?"

"Aizen has chosen this way to raise our funds." Ulquiorra explained. "He knows best."

.........................................................................

"No." Harribel stated flatly. 

"Yeah! We won't let you put Lady Harribel through something so vulgar!" Apacci cried.

"How could you even consider something so perverted!" Mila Rose roared.

"Truly disgusting." Sun-Sung hissed.

"Now ladies." Aizen cooed. "I know what I have proposed must sound rather rude but many of the customers have been....complaining about Barragan's fraccion waiting their tables.

As Aizen spoke, another family screamed at the sight of Poww.

"Not to mention the mess they keep making."

"As he said this, Niggre, in his reckless trampling, crashed into Findorr.

"No Exacta!!"

Aizen sighed, pinched his nose, and continued.

"In addition, I've noticed a lot of the patrons are single males who a more likely to leave more generous tips if they were served by beautiful ladies such as yourselves. 

Harribel simply scoffed and crossed her arms with her fraccion following suit. This prompted Aizen to walk up and gently wrap his arm around her, much to her annoyance.

"Harribel, you are the Aspect of Sacrifice are you not?" The former Soul Reaper cooed. "And what better sacrifice than the sacrifice of one's dignity to accomplice a task for a greater cause."

Harribel sighed again, knowing there was no way out of this. "Very well."

....................

"Hot damn!"

"Ohhhh Baby!"

"Now that's what I'm talking about!"

Harribel and her fraccion were preparing to serve, all of them wearing white crop tops, black mini-skirts and roller-blades that were a mix of the two colors.

"I apologize my fraccion." Harribel voiced. 

"Don't apologize Lady Harribel!" Apacci reassured. "We are glad to be able to work alongside you, even if we have to wear these embarrassing outfits."

"It's honestly not that different from my regular outfit." Mila Rose mused.

"That's probably because you're secretly an exhibitionist." Sun-sung sneered.

"What was that!?" Mila Rose snarled.

"Girls, Focus." Harribel calmly demanded as she went to take her first order. Her Fraccion followed suit.

..................................

"Come on! Die already!" Lilynette shouted as she mowed down zombies in her video game. Meanwhile Starrk was fast asleep underneath the table. Aaroniero, assuming the appearance of Kaien Shiba in his gigai approached the two slackers.

"What are you two doing?" He asked with annoyance in his voice.

"Shhh! I'm about to beat the zombie king!" Lilynette barked. Aaroniero responded by grabbing the game and tossing it in the trash bin.

"What the hell man!?" The little arrancar cried.

"We're here to work not play!" The 9th Espada fumed as he pointed to the main dining hall "So go help the other girls!"

Liliynette sighed but did not complain further. After she left, Aroniero kicked the sleeping Starrk in his sides.

"Gah!"

"Get up and go help Grimmjow's fraccion in the kitchen." Aaroniero demanded.

"Okay, okay." Starrk got up and walked toward the kitchen. As soon as he was out of sight-range however, he plopped back down and fell asleep again.

"I wonder where Zommari and Yammy went." Aroniero wondered.

.............................................................................................

"Come eat at Los Nachos or I'll kill ya!" Yammy bellowed, waving a large red arrow around. It had "Los Nachos" written on it.

"Calm yourself Yammy." Zommari voiced. "Customers will not come to Lord Aizen if you scare them off."

A couple walked by, looking at the duo curiously.

"Watch this." Zommari then proceeded to snap his neck in the direction of the restaurant. "Come eat at-

The couple fled in terror.

"Huh?"

"I guess humans don't like it when you snap your neck." Yammy suggested. 

"Strange."

Unbeknownst to the arrancar, two soul reapers in gigais were watching them as well.

"Those guys look familiar." Ichigo said.

"They seem to be pointing to the place where the immense spiritual pressure is coming from." Rukia explained.

"Is that so? Then let's check this "Los Nachos" place out."

"Right."

..................................................

"Everything is going just as planned." Aizen grinned as he stood in the main entrance with his two companions. 

"Yes. Even the most unruly of arrancar are doing their part." Tousen whispered.

"And we're making son much money!" Gin beamed.

"Absolutely nothing can go wrong." Aizen smirked. Just then, two familiar faces entered the restaurant.

"So this is the place?" Ichigo asked.

"Looks like it." Rukia answered. "This is where all the spiritual pressure is coming from." 

"What are they doing here?" Aizen wondered calmly although he was screaming on the inside.

"Oh dear! This could be bothersome." Gin muttered. "If the Soul Society finds out about our little project, it could mean big trouble."

"Shall I kill them here and now?" Tousen offered.

"No no." Aizen answered. "Let's just hide in the back until they leave. They shouldn't recognize any of the arrancar in their gigais."

Aizen turned to Aroniero. "Be their waiter. You're the most unrecognizable."

"Okay!"

Aizen than turned to his companions. "Let's go." The trio of former Captains dove into the kitchen. 

....

"So can we by chance speak to the manager." Ichigo asked.

"I am the manager!" Barragan bellowed as Aaroniero jumped in front of him.

"You are the greeter! Not the manager! You decrepit old man!" He barked at the second Espada before putting on a happy face and turning to the two Soul Reapers.

"Welcome to Los Nachos! My name is A....Aaron! Yes, that will do and I'll be your waiter for today."

Ichigo and Rukia exchanged confused glances before the latter asked for a table for two.

"Of course! Right this way!" As the 9th Espada led them to the table, the Soul Reapers began to whisper among themselves.

"I don't know why but this waiter feels very familiar." Rukia said.

"Let's just wait and see. It might have something to do with the weird spiritual pressure." Ichigo answered.

Once they made it to the table, Aaroniero asked them what they would like to drink.

"An iced tea and a lemonade please." Ichigo ordered.

"Very well. I will bring it right away." Aaroniero replied.

As he left, Ichigo couldn't help but notice that one of the employees was sleeping on the table.

"This place is weird." He said to himself.

.................................

"Order for table 17!" Erad shouted.

"Right!" Apacci picked up the tray of food and skated to the table, nearly crashing into it. "Here's your food."

"Your eye is weird!" The child at the table shouted.

"Well your face is weird!" Apacci barked before receiving a faceful of bean dip for her troubles as well as mocking laughter from said child.

"Why you little!"

Suddenly there was a huge crash from behind Apacci. She turned and saw Mila Rose flattened on the remnants of what used to be a table as angry patrons surrounded her.

"What the hell bitch!" One customer shouted. "You ruined our food!"

"Ahgh! These stupid roller skates!" Rose snapped as she struggled to get up, only to fall right on her behind. The once-angry patrons burst into laughter as Mila Rose's face turned red from a mixture of anger and embarrassment.

Apacci couldn't help but laugh as well.

"Shut the hell up! All of you! I'm looking at you snake girl." Rose roared in the direction of Sun-sung who was in her trademark pose.

"A beast as clumsy as you deserves to be mocked." Sun-sung's smug demeanor was interrupted by some unwelcome patting of her own rear end.

"Unless you are hoping to lose your hand, I suggest you remove it at once." She hissed.

"Lighten up babe."The offender is question said. "I was just copping a feel is all."

"I'd sure like to cop a feel from that blonde chick over there." His partner said, pointing to where Harribel was working.

"Hey baby! Bring that ass over here!"

"Damn! Look at the size of those melons!"

"I'd totally smash."

The male patrons continued their endless onslaught of lewd comments. If Harribel was distressed by the harassment, she didn't show it.

Her Fraccion on the other hand had had enough. 

"Making fun of us is one thing." Apacci grunted.

"Laughing at us is another." Rose growled.

"But sexually harassing Lord Harribel?" Sun-sung hissed.

"THAT SHIT'S NOT GONNA FLY!" All three shouted in unison.

"Girls. You know what we have to do." Apacci said.

Rose and Sun-sung nodded in agreement and all three girls ran into the kitchen, passing by a well-dressed woman with short blonde hair who was approaching Starrk.

"Ahem Excuse me!" The woman grunted.

Starrk awoke with a start "Hmmm....what? What do you want?"

"I couldn't help but notice that there is a child among your work force." The woman pointed to Lilynette who was serving a table begrudgingly.

"Yeah. That's Lilynette. She's my other half." Starrk replied nonchalantly.

The woman's eyes bulged in surprise and she took a few seconds to compose herself before continuing. "Sir, Are you aware of the law against child labor in this country?"

"Child Labor? Lilynette may look young but she's actually a few centuries old."

The woman gave Starrk an "Are you serious?" look. "Do you honestly expect me to believe that?"

"It's true. Here's a photo of us in Huceo Mundo." Starrk handed the woman the photo. As to why there were pictures of the Arrancar in their natural habitat, well that's a story for another time.

"Ugh!" The woman shouted. "You mean to tell me you make that poor little girl dress like this back home?"

"Don't yell at me! Lilynette's the one who's always wearing that stupid helmet." Starrk pleaded, completely missing the point. Unfortunately for him, the green-haired arrancar heard that remark.

"My helmet's not stupid!" She cried as she tackled Starrk to the ground. As the assault continued, Gin approached the woman.

"Excuse me miss, what seems to be the problem?" He asked.

"I'll tell you the problem." The woman pushed a badge in Gin's face. "I'm with Child Protective Services and I'm going to have that child taken away"

"Oh dear." Gin said without his expression or tone changing. "That's not good."

Before that conversation could continue, there was a shriek from the other side of the dining room. A woman whose back hair was shorter than the front with harsh blonde highlights and her small child looked disgusted with there food. Poww approached them.

"Is something wrong, ma'am." He asked.

"You bet there is!" The woman shouted. "Our food is cold and disgusting. My precious angel could have gotten sick from eating this slop. I demand to speak to your manager!"

Now Poww had spent most of his existence as a hollow in service to Barragan so whenever somebody mentioned anything along the lines of King, Leader or in this case, Manager, even if it wasn't right, his answer was always...

"Lord Barragan. He's over there." Poww pointed to where the former king of Huceo Mundo sat. The woman scoffed and walked toward Barragan. 

"Excuse me!" She shrieked.

"Huh? What do you want?" Barragan grunted.

"Are you the manager!?"

"What a foolish question. Of course I am!"

"I want to file a complaint. The food we we're served was cold and disgusting. My poor baby could have died!"

"If your seed can't even handle the slop served here, they deserve to die!"

"What did you just say!"

"You heard me!"

"How dare you speak about my angel like that. As compensation, I will not be paying for the food."

"You attempt to walk out out of here without paying and I will decay your very bones!'

"I'd like to see you try!"

At this point, it should also be noted that Szayel's gigas still allow the arrancar to use their powers. Barragan held up his zanpaktuo. 

"Rot, Arrogante!"

A black miasma surrounded Barragan and ate way at the surrounding area, reducing his stool, the carpet and many other things in the room to nothingness.

"I.I...I" The lady ran screaming from the restaurant.

"Hey! What about your stupid kid!" Barragan snarled!

....................................................................

"We need more potatoes!" Erad shouted.

"On it!" Shawlong ran into the pantry just as Yylfordt came out.

"Brother gave me some oats." As he held a giant box full of canned oatmeal.

"Bring it this way." Telsa demanded before turning to Nnoitra. "We've got the oatmeal sir!"

"Who fucking cares!?" Nnoitra. "Unless it's an excuse to cut something, I don't wanna here it!"

Suddenly, Apacci, Mila-Rose and Sun-Sung barged into the kitchen.

"Nnoitra!" Apacci called out." We need you to cut all our left arms off!"

Nnoitra stood there looking shocked before his mouth curved into a malicious grin.

"You got it!"

................................

"Have you been able to detect the source of the spiritual pressure Rukia?" Ichigo asked.

"No but I'm getting close." Rukia answered. The female shinigami scanned the restaurant with her phone-like device. The strange spiritual pressure seemed to be all over the place. Suddenly, a chill ran down her spine as she felt an all too familiar spiritual pressure nearby.

"Ichigo. Did you feel that?"

"Yeah. I did.

The two Soul Reapers shouted in unison. 

"Aizen!"

..................................................

"I see sir! I'm so sorry for the confusion!" The CPS lady happily waved good-bye as she left the restaurant. Aizen smiled to himself as he sheathed Kyoka Suigetsu.

"That was quite a close one." Gin voiced. "That CPS lady almost took Lilynette away. 

"That would have been awful." Starrk said, hugging Lilynette tightly.

"Stop Starrk!" The red-faced little arrancar cried. "You're embarrassing me!" 

"Thanks to Kyoka Suigetsu, making that woman believe the whole thing was from a terrible Halloween party was child's play." Aizen smirked. "Now nothing can go wrong."

"Aizen!"

"Crap." 

Ichigo and Rukia were standing behind Aizen, their glares burning through the back of his skull.

"Oh dear." Gin muttered.

His back still to them, Aizen quickly slapped a disguise on and turned to face them. Unfortunately the disguise in question was just a bad fake mustache.

"Who is this Aizen you speak of? I am....uh... Nezia! Yes that will do." Aizen said in a terrible Mexican accent.

"Cut the crap Aizen!" Ichigo shouted. "We know it's you!"

"What are you planning on doing in Karakura Town?" Rukia asked angrily.

"Oh but I am but a humble restaurant manager! What harm could I possibly do?" As "Nezia" said this, he slowly reached for Kyoka Suigetsu. "As soon as I unsheathed my zanpaktou, it will be over for you shinigami!"

Just then, the kid left behind by the lady with the bad haircut ran up to Aizen and took Kyoka Suigetsu right out of his hands.

"Cool sword! Let me play with it!"

"Hey!" Aizen screamed as the kid ran off. "Give that back!"

"Lord Aizen! What happened!?" Grimmjow and Ulquiorra ran to the scene. "We heard you scream!"

Aizen grabbed the two arrancar and pulled them into a huddle.

"Listen, you must convince these soul reapers that we are a normal Mexican restaurant. I'll be right back." With that, Aizen ran after the kid.

"Ichigo!" Grimmjow sneered. "Let's fight!"

"Grimmjow! What are you doing here?" Ichigo asked.

"Then the person next to you must be Ulquiorra." Rukia deducted.

"Incorrect." The fourth Espada defended. "Me and my associate have never seen you before. We are but humble employees working for Mr Nezia in this Me-

Ulquiorra looked at his hand which had a crudely-written and misspelled "Mexican restaurant" on it.

"Mexacan restaruant" Ulquiorra replied.

"So you're not really Ulquiorra huh?" Rukia asked. "Then prove it. Smile!"

"What?"

"Yeah! If you're not Ulquiorra, then smile! Like this!" Ichigo used his fingers to pull his lips into a smile.

"B-B-But I,

"Just shut up and do it, "not Ulquiorra!" Grimmjow demanded with vicious air quotes.

Ulquiorra sighed heavily. "Fine!" He took a deep breath and slowly began to curved the sides of his lips upward. The sensation was utter agony for the arrancar but still he persisted.

"Wow! He's actually doing it!" Ichigo said.

"It's so.....awful." Rukia's voice trembled.

"Dude. You're scaring me." Even Grimmjow was afraid.

"For some reason, I'm really glad my eyes are closed." Gin mused.

The tread into Lovecraftian horror was interrupted by a large explosion that tore half of the roof away. A giant monster with antlers and bulging eyes roared angrily as the restaurant patrons fled.

"Go Ayon!" Apacci, Mila Rose, and Sun-sung shouted in unison. "Destroy those sexist pigs who were harassing Lady Harribel!"

"I think it's time to go Ichigo!" Rukia yelled.

"I think so to!" The two soul reapers fled as well.

"Oh dear." Gin mused. "This seems to be the end of Los Nachos."

"Good riddance." Grimmjoww voiced. "The whole thing was a pain in my ass."

..............Can I stop smiling now?" Ulquiorra begged.

...................................................................................................................

"Well everyone. I'm glad to see that today was a success." As Aizen spoke, he was cleaning blood off of his zanpaktuo. Everyone was once again in the meeting room and once again, nobody was happy.

"Harribel." Aizen spoke again. "I trust that you disciplined your fraccion for summoning Ayon and destroying my restaurant?"

"Of course Lord Aizen." Harribel replied. "If by disciplined, you mean praised for getting me out of that humiliating station." She muttered under her breathe. Harribel then turned to Nnoitra. "I still don't appreciate you cutting my fraccion's arms off."

"They asked me too!" Nnoitra defended. "Besides it got us out of that hell hole didn't it?"

Harribel scoffed.

"Hey Grimmjoww?" Szayel asked the blue-haired arrancar who was shaking like a leaf while in a fetal position.

"His smile.....that damn smile!"

"I said I was sorry." Ulquiorra spat.

"The fundraiser might have been a success." Tousen added. "But I still can't help but wonder what the Soul Society will do with the knowledge that we have gigais."

"That's true." Aizen sighed. "Ichigo and Rukia weren't fooled by our depiction and I'm sure they've told the Old Man by now. We will have to prepare ourselves. There's no way of knowing how the Soul Society will react to this..

Meanwhile, in The World of the Living, a lone man stood before a soul reaper captain.

"Welcome to the Soul Food Society. "Byakuya said blankly. "How may I take your order?" 

The End


End file.
